(no subject)

[japor_snippet]

Who: Anakin and Padmé
What: Discussing their relationship and the next steps
When: Before Anakin escorts Padmé back to Naboo
Where: Padmé’s apartments at 500 Republica
Rating/Warnings: TBD


Anakin had not seen Padmé since he was taken into the Halls of Healing at the Temple to receive medical treatment and be fitted with a new arm. Perhaps before that, even. His memory aboard the transport back to Coruscant, with his brain sinking further into shock, was fuzzy and patchy at best. He approached her apartment doors now; on instruction from his Master he was to accompany the senator back to Naboo, where she planned to stay for some much needed recuperation before she poured herself back into politics. Geonosis had burned them all in some way or another.

Nervous, like he had been in a similar memory riding the lift to the floor of her home. His Master had been with him then, he had attempted to calm Anakin’s nerves. Anakin had laughed at the time, but he was thankful now he was alone. Even if the thoughts in his head were the like that first ride up.

Has she changed her mind? Or will she still feel the same she expressed in the arena?

He flexed his hand – his robotic one. The newness of it still caught him unawares. As if he could forget the moment he lost his arm, but sometimes it still felt… not missing. And in moments where he wasn’t thinking and he raised his hand to do something routine, like brush his braid back over his shoulder, the gleam of gold would catch his eye. He would blink, expecting the glint of metal to vanish, only to wait out futilely for his flesh hand to rematerialize. His frustration was most acute when confronted with a task he used to do with fluid ease, but now came in jerks and pauses.

He raised that hand to press the button to announce him; gold glinting the light, he thought better of it and self-consciously switched to his left hand.

But the comm buzzing, granting him admittance through the now opening doors pushed all thoughts about his arm, and what it should be, out of his mind – or rather thoughts of Padmé did that.

Because there she was in the entrance way, and the grin he was fighting, in case any of her handmaidens or assistants were present, was an indication she was all he could think about.

Comments

[senatoramidala]

It had been some time since she had seen Anakin and while she was worried for his condition, her thoughts couldn’t help but race back to the previous morning and her meeting with Obi-wan. He had confronted her head on much to her surprise.

The incident on Genosis had managed to bring out a side of her that she had been trying hard not to bring to the surface as well as a few scratches. Being caught between a life or death situation had really managed to bring out her feelings for Anakin.

Still she had promised him. Perhaps she had said it to get him off the trail. He had stated his case quite clearly and while she attempted to find flaws in the Jedi ways in the end she found that there was no point in continuing to argue with the Jedi Master. And so Padme being the ever humble political that she was had surrendered or at least promised to. After today she wouldn’t see Anakin again. And while the thought did make her heart ache, her mind tried to find reason with it.

As she stood in her veranda alone the familiar noise of a buzzer broke her away from her thoughts causing her to find its source. Soon enough she was greeted with his very familiar face. The Senator couldn’t help but smile as her eyes locked with his.

"Ani," she said before walking up to embrace him. "It’s good to see you. How are you feeling?"

[japor_snippet]

Anakin returned Padmé’s embrace with as much passion as he dared. She was hugging him, but that didn’t mean they were alone. Perhaps one her handmaidens or political aides were deeper in the apartment. But he was heartened by Padmé’s response to him, it set him at ease.

“I’m fine- I will be.” He put on a brave face, but the fingers of his mechanical arm twitched. He was utterly frustrated with his new arm. A fine work of craftsmanship, to be sure, a marvel of modern bio-engineering. But it wasn’t his real arm, and in that moment, holding Padmé in his arms, he couldn’t have been more keenly aware of its robotic state. He remembered tracing his fingers down the soft skin of her arm not more than two weeks ago, he had felt her in the Force with that very touch as well, coursing through the connection of skin on skin contact. Now, it was all a different sensation, and, he realized, touching her would never be the same again with that arm.

He tried to not let it show, they still had each other. That’s what mattered.

“How are you?” She’d received her own injuries from Geonosis, the claw marks from the nexu, falling from the transport. She looked healthy in front of him – she must have received treatment while he was out. But he was still concerned.

[senatoramidala]

The truth was there was one of her handmaidens, Eirtaé', around but was occupied with packing for the trip back to Naboo in her quarters. Just then that thought occurred to her at the chance of being seen by Eirtaé' but she still couldn’t bring herself to let go of him just yet.

Reluctantly the Senator eased her embrace and took a step back. She noted the mechanical arm and was trying hard not to stare at it too much. It was just so new. "Are you sure?" There was the temptation to ask how he was settling with the new attachment but Padmé held her tongue deciding to ask at a later time. There would always be a later time.

"Recovering but nothing I can’t handle," she reassured with a small smile although it did still sting under the bandages that covered her injuries but the medic droids had reassured her she would be back to normal in a few days time. They had prescribed her rest and so a visit back home to Naboo was in order.

It was best not to worry Anakin. "Please, Ani come in, take a seat," she offered leading him into her living room quarters. "I trust, Obi-Wan informed you already?"

[japor_snippet]

Anakin wanted to ask Padmé more questions about her health, not convinced she was just fine, just like she wasn’t convinced about him. But the moment passed and he followed her further into her apartment. He took a seat next to Padmé.

“He told me I’m to escort you back to Naboo,” he said, unsuspecting Padmé’s true meaning.

Obi-Wan had not mentioned to Anakin anything about the older Jedi’s meeting with Padmé, wherein he had told the senator to break things off with Anakin. Anakin had been unconscious in a healing trance at the time of the meeting. He was diving into this blind – by love, by the deliberate withholding of information on the part of someone he was meant to trust.

[senatoramidala]

"Yes, that's correct," she said still feeling a little uneasy recalling her conversation with Obi-Wan. "So, Ani," she glanced down sadly, dark eyes settling on the robotic arm. He had lost so much in that battle.

She reached over reaching for his hand, feeling the cold metal against her slender fingers as she tried to find some strength to lie to him, deny her feelings. "That's what we're going to do," she said softly averting his gaze.

[japor_snippet]

“Padmé,” Anakin implored. He noticed the way she looked his arm, and he resisted giving into the self-conscious flare of bitter embarrassment that followed. They would get used to, he told himself.

“What’s wrong?” He could feel her troubled emotions, a benefit of being empathic. And he could always tell hers more acutely than he could any other non-Force-Sensitive, unusual as that was. But he didn’t question their connection, he assumed it was because of what they felt for each other. He’d never felt the way he did for Padmé for anyone else.

And right at that moment, he wanted to ease whatever it was that was weighing on her.

[senatoramidala]

"Nothing's wrong," she said falsely although trying to reassure him as she gazed into his eyes. Her expression however told a different story. There was so much turmoil going on inwardly. But she had to do this right? For Anakin's future with the Jedi. If they were discovered it would be scandalous. She didn't want him to lose his post.

"We've just been through a lot these past few days and I've been giving things some thought." It was a half truth and for now it would have to do. Although she was sure he knew how she felt. How could he not afterall. "Do you still feel the same way?"

[japor_snippet]

Anakin didn’t need her expression to tell him she was lying, he could feel that too. His brow knit together, not liking it one bit. Why should she lie to him?

“Of course I still do.” His feelings for her had only grown stronger since that first moment he met her back on Tatooine all those years ago. He’d always known what she meant to him and he’d never wavered in his knowledge of that. But, to her, until just a few weeks ago fate had put them together again, he had merely been a strange, little boy picked up at random in her larger adventure to save her planet. She had not always felt for him the same he felt for her.

“Why?” He looked down, not daring to see what might be written across her face before she spoke it. He almost couldn’t ask, for fear of the answer. “Do you not feel the same for me anymore?”

[senatoramidala]

The Senator was silent keeping her gaze fixed on their hands for a moment. The truth was that she still had the same feelings for him. With these passing days and her concern for him, she dared to say that it had even grown stronger, but of course those words couldn't escape her lips. Especially not with a handmaiden around.

Instead of giving him a clear answer, she looked back at him. "Ani, how long do you think we could keep this up?" She wanted to tell him. Oh how she wanted to tell him the truth but the last thing she needed now was further complications.

[japor_snippet]

Those words – almost exactly the same ones she’d used back on Naboo to reject him then – rang like harsh judgment in his ears. And absent any confirmation what she still felt for him. He knew. He was not stupid; and though he was not subtle himself, he could connect the meaning of what she was saying to what she wasn’t.

She was returning to her original decision. The one made their last night on Naboo.

So very hurt, he pulled his hand away, though he didn’t get up. Not yet.

“So now that we aren’t facing imminent death anymore our feelings don’t mean anything.” He didn’t know if he was asking a question or making an accusation.

[senatoramidala]

"Ani," she started to say as her mind raced for a suitable explanation. It was quite clear to her that she was hurting him. "It's not that. I still feel the same way," she admitted although scared of the consequences. "My feelings haven't changed." she looked at him hoping that he would at least look at her. She was finding that this seemed to be hurting her more.

"It's just..." her voice trailed off.

"What are we going to do?"

[japor_snippet]

As good as it was to hear her feelings for him had not changed, it was still not a response to his assertion. If she was choosing to not enter into a relationship with him, she was saying their feelings didn’t matter as much as her reasons for not being with him.

Padmé’s sudden indecisiveness shocked Anakin. He was used to her being quite forceful in her decisions. They’d spent their time in Naboo in Varykino because she had decided it so against his vocalized judgment, she’d made the decision to go to Tatooine with him independent of his concerns for her safety, they’d ended up on Geonosis because she’d decided for him where he ought to be. This was the woman who bristled and fought against Chancellor Palpatine when the man made the choice for her she would return to Naboo while the Jedi investigated her assassination attempts. Even the plan to use her as bait to draw out the assassin that first night Anakin and Obi-Wan had been assigned to protect her had been her plan.

And most importantly the decision to not give into their feelings, made back on Naboo, had been hers, along with when her feelings were open for discussion again on Geonosis.

When he heard Padmé ask him what to do Anakin was stumped.

He looked at her, “But you’ve already decided, haven’t you?” This was her way of ending things… whatever they were between them, wasn’t it?

[senatoramidala]

Padmé was strong willed yes. But when it came to these new feelings it was still a concept she was getting used to. One only falls in love ever so often. Funny how she could only recall another time where it was close to feeling this way. It had started with a small crush which led to a brief relationship and had ultimately ended with her parting ways with Palo, due to their different roles in life. Could she make the same mistake now?

"I have decided that we are going back to Naboo." It was a firm decision although not really an answer to his question. Maybe they could use some down time and see where this went. If this relationship was to continue. Surely, there they could hide for a bit. Maybe even be normal for a bit.

"If you don’t want to come along then I won’t force you," she said getting to her feet to stare out at the cityscape.

[japor_snippet]

The smallest two fingers on Anakin’s right hand twitched – a new nervous tick he’d noticed the hand do when he was feeling heightened emotions. He made a note on his mental list of adjustments he needed to make to the prosthetic.

He understood. Padmé was refusing to discuss the possibility of them – there was no ‘them’. This was the end of that discussion. The end of the one bright spot of hope he had left. He fought hard to maintain his composure; he’d done it before, back on Naboo when Padmé had rejected him the first time. He couldn’t fathom why it hurt so much more now hearing it again.

It was the culmination of loss – his mother, his arm, and now this.

But though this felt like a spike to his heart and made his future feel directionless and bleak, he still respected her, as he had on Naboo. It was still her choice to make and he could not – would not force her to choose differently.

“I have been ordered to escort you back to Naboo,” he said flatly as he stood. He could not back out of this assignment if he wished his raw emotions to go unnoticed by Obi-Wan, and he knew he could not stand being scrutinized and told how terrible attachments were right now. He couldn’t weather that storm so steeped in loss. “And to return as promptly as commercial transport will allow.” That granted him, he guessed, at most one planetary rotation before he must return to Coruscant. There was a war starting, and the Jedi were planning their part, he would not be excused for being gone longer than was necessary.

This would be a taxing trip.

“I will leave you to your packing. I will remain out of your way on the balcony until it is time for departure.” He bowed to Padmé back, as courtesy dictated he must do, and then moved for the balcony.

[senatoramidala]

"Do you always do everything you’re ordered to do?" she retorted not about to just give up. She knew the answer very well to her own question but if it would get to him then so be it. It pained her to see him treating her like this. But in a way she thought that perhaps she had deserved it. At least now she knew that he didn’t know she had attempted to visit him when he was in his healing trance.

But instead of waiting for a reply on his part, the Senator walked into her room to see her handmaiden closing up the third case.

"You’re all packed, Senator." Eirtaé informed noting the expression on Padmé’s face. "Are you alright?"

The Senator nodded. "Fine. Thank you. Our escort has arrived and is getting some fresh air." It was partly the truth anyway. "Have you packed yet?"

Eirtaé shook her head in response. Padmé dismissed her stating they would leave in the evening and that she should start packing her things.

Eirtaé stepped into the living room to catch sight of the young Skywalker on the balcony. "Are you alright?"

[japor_snippet]

Anakin set his jaw at the verbal barb, not knowing if Padmé was now saying he should break his orders and not go, or do something so ridiculously foolish as to expose their feelings to the Order for sure. The scandal that would result from their exposure would ruin them both, but the repercussions on Padmé’s side extended to more than just herself – her enemies would not only use it to remove her from office, but to revisit and undo every bit of good legislation she’d had a hand in enacting. Anakin wouldn’t stomach doing that to her.

But more than his confusion stilled his tongue, the unfair retort was insult to his already wounded feelings. She’s just broken his heart and had the audacity to fling that him? What did she want from him?

The city planet rushed, throbbed, yelled, and breathed around him, assaulting his senses and licking wind at his robes. But he paid it no mind. He slipped into meditation where he stood more to keep his mind from dwelling on what had just transpired than because it was a Jedi thing to do. There was no feeling lost in the Force, there was no thought but the Force. And he needed that right now.

He drew back from the Force when Padmé’s handmaid addressed him. He didn’t know her name; they all looked alike to him. Though that was the point.

He gave her a brief nod and a brief answer. “I am fine, thank you.”

[senatoramidala]

"Very well," came the reply from Eirtaé. She dare not inquire further as it wasn't her place even though she had heard the earlier commotion. Questioning things was not part of her job description.

"I will return shortly," she informed then turned her back to the young Skywalker before she left the apartment.

Meanwhile Padmé stood in her room, her gaze fixed on the luggage wishing that more could have been packed. She wasn't certain how long she would remain on Naboo although a part of her feared what if she never wanted to leave again. It was ridiculous of course as she had her duties to attend to. She had a public to serve now more than ever with this war.

She frowned thinking of what was to come. There was so much uncertainty. War was always a dangerous time and she was especially worried for Anakin. What if he became more reckless next time? What if this was the last time she'd ever see him after this trip? The thought alone made her stomach flip. Why was she even thinking this to begin with?

Tears started to well up in her eyes. She loved him deep in her heart. She just wanted what was right for him. To protect him from getting kicked out of the Order. The Order had meant a lot to him. It was all he ever talked about sometimes. If they were discovered the repercussions would be severe for both of them.

His manner was so cold now and she was to blame. She was trying to protect him but it was hurting them both. She didn't want to hurt anymore.

Drying her eyes she exited the room and entered the living room to see him on the balcony. She wanted to go over to him, but she knew better. She knew he must have been meditating. Deciding to go to the kitchen to make some tea, she left him to his own devices without a word.

Settling the kettle on the stove, Padmé waited for it to whistle. Letting her thoughts drift. No matter how hard she tried, the only thing she could think of was how much she was hurting them both. She had to do something.

The whistle broke her from her thoughts and Padmé fetched the tray setting the saucers and cups, cream and sugar. Picking up the loaded tray she winced at her injuries. It was still burning at the strain of movements but she was swallowing hard to overcome it.

Her steps were careful and slow as she approached the living room before setting the tray down on the table. Her teeth grinding at the pain at her side. She was just thankful that Anakin's back was still to her.

"Ani," she called out softly. "Come have some tea."

[japor_snippet]

Anakin could feel Padmé in her room – he couldn’t help it, her presence was just right there whenever he opened himself to the Force. He could feel her sadness, it matched his own. But there was nothing to be done for it. She’d made her choice – there was no fight left to win.

He did not want tea, he wanted to be left to himself for the remainder of this assignment. He cared about Padmé and her happiness, how much he wanted her to smile, but he needed the distance for his own heart. She couldn’t expect more from him.

“Unless there is immediate danger, my lady, it is better if I stay out here until it's time to leave.”

[senatoramidala]

Padmé picked up a cup, pouring some tea into it. She looked over at him sadly. It was his choice. "I'm sorry," she said softly her eyes still on his form. She knew she had been in the wrong, letting her fears get to her like that.

But he had already made his choice hadn't he? "Very well, Anakin. If that is what you wish." She took a sip of tea and then looked away to collect her thoughts. This was all too painful. Perhaps once she went to Naboo things would get better.

[japor_snippet]

What he wished?! As if now she was magnanimously accommodating his decisions to what? Fortify his emotions against more exposure to pain? This sparked a reserve of anger within him. Padmé could not expect to be on such friendly and familiar terms with him after making the choice to not further their relationship. She could not have it both ways. If she could not accept a relationship with him, all there was left was for him to fulfill his duty as Jedi assigned to protect her. Being a Jedi was all there was left for him to do. And they Jedi weren't personable.

“Excuse me. I should see to the preparations of your ship.” He angled his head to nod in her general direction before moving off a distance to activate a channel on his comm link to the captain of Padmé’s ship.

[senatoramidala]

The Senator stayed quiet as her eyes focused on her reflection inside her cup of tea. If he wanted to be left alone then she wasn’t going to deny him that. Could she even talk to him anymore or had she ruined that as well? She got to her feet and walked towards the balcony, leaving her cup behind to stare at the Cityscape. In a way she was slightly envious watching the speeders drive past. Their occupants were probably free to do whatever they wished with their lives. They were free to go wherever they wished, love whoever they wanted, live a normal life.

These were things that Padmé had secretly wanted for herself but knew it could never be possible with her responsibilities to her people. There was always a certain mask she had to wear, a certain line she had to balance herself on. But with Anakin’s presence she had wanted that secret life all the more. Once he was in a close enough distance, she was determined to talk to him even if he pushed her away.

[japor_snippet]

Anakin did have to approach Padmé, to relay the information about her ship’s preparations. He could have told Captain Typho to tell her himself; but he knew as part of her protection team, and the Jedi on assignment, he should take the responsibility. Even if talking to her hurt him. Even if just looking at her hurt him.

“Your ship will be docking in two hours on landing platform X-B4.” He assumed she understood which docking facility – the one always used by senatorial vessels. “As of now they are on schedule, my lady.”

Finished with the progress update, he then moved, to return to his spot on the balcony for further meditation, out of Padmé’s way.